After dealing with a fair share of matrimonial cases from Trial Courts to the Supreme Court of India I concluded that a successful union requires both emotional intelligence and practical foresight. Before I begin, I would like to acknowledge a difficult reality, while we often speak of progress, freedom, personal choice, most households especially in India are still guided by older social expectations/conventions. For both men and women, choosing a path outside of conventional gender roles is difficult . I, with my present article, have tried to enlist some basic do's and don’ts for both men and women, if you intend to get married and expect or want it to be a happy one. These Do’s and don’ts are non-exhaustive, and are only few selective principles based on the experiences shared by clients with me as during my professional engagements over a period of 15 years which are summarised as follows

1. Family Background - When it comes to Indian families, men/women both need to understand that they are getting married 'into a family', and you need to know the family and the people who you are going to be surrounded with or spend time with. And by knowing them means not only knowing 'financial status', but their basic nature, their interpersonal dealings, family values, etc. Last but not the least a thorough background check is a must, regardless of your marriage being Love or Arranged.

2. Domestic Participation - Seeking equality does not mean rejecting responsibility. Women should not be expected to shoulder household work simply because they are women, but neither should anyone view basic domestic chores as beneath them. The ability to care for one's home and contribute to shared responsibilities is a fundamental life skill, one that applies equally to both men and women. That said, if a woman does not wish to participate in household chores and prefers a lifestyle where most/all domestic chores are outsourced, it is best to communicate that clearly before entering a marriage. It's a free world no one can force you to do anything which you don’t want to do, but yes it's always better to have this clarity from the word go.

4. Basic understanding of your Partner - Before you get married you need to understand the basic nature of the person you are getting married to regardless of their vocation or position in life, things like the if the person is an introvert or extrovert, vices like alcohol, smoking habits, etc., (be very precise), the kind of company he keeps, temperament and ability to deal with high pressure situations and his/her previous relationship background, if any. Men on the other hand need to understand and know that you have to provide the women you intend to marry or have married some space to be her own person, apart from the family obligations she may or may not have (definition of space may vary on an individual level).

5. Unrealistic Expectations by Women & their In-laws - Women must also not have unrealistic expectations from their husbands and know and accept his shortcomings. It is important to make peace with the shortcomings of your partner before solidifying it into marriage. Similarly it is unfair to expect a man to provide a lifestyle or a standard of living that is beyond his means or family circumstances. Expectations of any kind must be made explicitly while being grounded in reality. On the other hand, men and their families need to understand the psyche of the women getting married into your family, and to expect the other person to forget her family and just own your family or assimilate in your family from day one would be highly unrealistic. It will take time! Marriages in India, majority of them are patrilineal which means eventually it is the woman who has to leave her family around whom she has grown up with and come to your house. Men, it is important to recognize that family relationships are a two-way street. You can only expect your partner to love or care for your family as much as you care and love her family.

   
   

6. Non-interference of In-laws - In-laws at either must understand that your son or daughter have their own family and have to learn their own lessons in life. Meddling in their affairs unless expressly asked to help should be strictly forbidden. In my experience, this is one of the leading causes of divorces in the country.

   
   

7. Employment Status - Men and Women, please check the employment history and status of the person you are getting married to. Women must be extra careful and their families should not rely on the family's consolidated financial status or their ancestral properties only, and must focus on the individual earning capacity of the person and his vision in life in general. The women’s parents should instead of focusing on the current earning capacity i.e., salary package of the husband, also ensure that you make your daughter financially independent by the time she gets married. Ensuring that she continues to remain financially independent is also important, both families should be on the same page when it comes to your daughter working or not after marriage as different families have different choices and expectations and it’s unfair to not discuss the same. No one should be expected to suddenly stop working after marriage, nor should assumptions be made about continuing a career indefinitely, if these matters were never clearly discussed beforehand both families and the persons getting married have the right to make an informed decision.

   
   

8. Living situation - This is important as women should know that if it’s a joint family setup or the living situation is with in-laws, it would entail some basic house rules varying from family to family and its again unfair to expect or force the husband to live separately once you have agreed to the situation at the time of getting married (until some grave situation arises which cannot be resolved) and again this needs to be very clear at the time of getting married for both parties involved.

   
   

Last, but not the least Men & Women both need to understand that marriage in our country is a 'sacred communion' and not merely marriage of convenience, so if you don’t do any of the above and choose to get married then please note that certain things like respect love and care for your in-laws you’re your husband or wife can’t be faked, it will eventually show and come back to hurt you sooner or later may lead to a sour loveless relationship eventually culminating into divorce.

Ayush Negi Ayush Negi is an Advocate-on-Record at the Supreme Court of India and the founder of The Redine blog.